TOP TEN TIPS ON HOW NOT TO GET THE SWINE FLU: A PUBLIC SERVICE FROM DURSTCO.
Wash your hands. If soap and water aren’t available, use an alcohol-based rub. Single-Malt Scotch should do the trick. Keep that larynx clean as well
Wear a mask. If you can’t find one of those scrub masks, use a Halloween mask. What’s a pandemic without a little fun? A Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner mask might prove effective enough to frighten the swine flu away.
Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it, or collect them and construct a sort of swine shrine. Or wipe the doorknob and garage door handle of that annoying radical neighbor of yours.
Drink plenty of fluids. Preferably domestic beer. Or Single Malt Scotch. Didn’t we just talk about how alcohol inhibits bacteria growth?
Throw everything out. No, everything. Clutter causes confusion. And as any medical expert will tell you, confusion leads to the flu.
Sleep is good. Try to find a way to sleep at work. A rested employee is not a communicable employee.
The CDC recommends a seasonal flu vaccine. As a matter of fact, try to stockpile as many drugs as you can. Flush your body with drugs and environmentally friendly antimicrobials. And Single Malt Scotch. Safe and easy and practical to use.
Wear light colors. No, wait, that’s for heat advisories. But still applies to the flu, because that way we can see all the various effluvia accumulating on peoples’ clothing and know whom to avoid.
Stay away from sick people. In other words, don’t watch Glen Beck.
Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth. And arms and feet and hair. And shoes and surfaces and fabrics. Get nude. Repeat after me, “Naked is safe. Naked in the bathroom is safer. Naked in the tub curled into a fetal position covered with a hypoallergenic salve is safest.”
These are brilliant tips. I happen to have a bug right now, so I may actually build something cool out of used tissues…
On a Sunday afternoon, I was laying on my bed with my window open a crack to let the breeze in. Since my bedroom is on the ground level of our house, I can often hear the neighbourhood children playing outside. On this particular afternoon, I heard the following exchange…
10 year old boy: Do you go to church?
10 year old girl: Me? No
10 year old boy: But… don’t you believe in God? If you don’t believe in God, you will go to Hell!
10 year old girl: I am more of a Buddha girl. I believe in Buddha.
The Force Trainer (expected to be priced at $90 to $100) comes with a headset that uses brain waves to allow players to manipulate a sphere within a clear 10-inch-tall training tower, analogous to Yoda and Luke Skywalker’s abilities in the Star Wars films.
First of all, being able to manipulate a ping pong ball IS IN NOT WAY analogous to Yoda and Luke Skywalker’s abilities — those dudes could throw freaking spaceships around.
A state of deep concentration is needed to achieve a Force-full effect. “When you concentrate, it activates the training remote,” says Frank Adler of toymaker Uncle Milton Industries, which is creating the Trainer. “There is a flow of air that will move the (ball). You can actually feel like you are in a zone.”
Deep concentration….in a zone….hmmm, that sounds familiar. Of course — Skee-ball!